| Platinum | I AM THE DUDE NOW | Collect all of the other trophies. | 5.9% Very Rare | 138 pts |
| Gold | TINDER | Find all enemy codex entries. | 6.3% Very Rare | 66 pts |
| Gold | DREAM WITHIN A DREAM, WITHIN A DREAM | Find all location codex entries. | 6.9% Very Rare | 63 pts |
| Gold | PREMATURE EVACUATOR | Finish any level below the speedrun threshold. | 7.9% Very Rare | 58 pts |
| Gold | SECOND AMENDMENT | Find all weapon codex entries. | 8.6% Very Rare | 55 pts |
| Silver | IT'S WEDNESDAY MY DUDES | Find a certain secret on wednesday, my dude. | 8.9% Very Rare | 40 pts |
| Bronze | HE'S NOT A REAL BOY | Make Tesloborgelion's boy parts wet. | 10.1% Rare | 25 pts |
| Silver | I WANT TO BELIVE | Find the third installment. | 10.4% Rare | 37 pts |
| Gold | NO CURE | Kill the big bad RONA without using the vaccine. | 11.8% Rare | 45 pts |
| Silver | IT'S NOT WEDNESDAY MY DUDES | Find a certain secret not on wednesday. | 12.8% Rare | 32 pts |
| Bronze | TAKE THE BLUE PILL | Kill 5 hostiles with quick pillz powerup active. | 16.6% Rare | 19 pts |
| Bronze | NO, U | Reflect 10 projectiles. | 19.1% Rare | 17 pts |
| Gold | THIRD IMPACT | Kill Tesloborgelion. | 21% Uncommon | 32 pts |
| Silver | WELCOME TO THE COLONY | Kill a certain group of hostiles in the forest. | 21.6% Uncommon | 24 pts |
| Gold | TRYHARD | Get 100% on any of the levels. | 25% Uncommon | 29 pts |
| Silver | THE CURE | Kill the big bad RONA. | 26.5% Uncommon | 21 pts |
| Bronze | IT'S BIGGER WHEN IT'S WARM | Freeze at least 5 hostiles with the yellow stream. | 26.7% Uncommon | 14 pts |
| Bronze | I AM CONFUS | Confuse at least 5 hostiles with the yellow stream. | 33.1% Uncommon | 12 pts |
| Bronze | GYM ENTHUSIAST | Kill 5 hostiles with steroids powerup active. | 41% Common | 11 pts |
| Silver | I AM THE MANAGER | Kill Karen. | 41.9% Common | 16 pts |
| Bronze | RELOADING! | Use an ammo box. | 43.5% Common | 10 pts |
| Silver | MUSIC SOOTHES THE SAVAGE BEAST | Kill a certain group of hostiles in the neighbourhood. | 43.7% Common | 16 pts |
| Bronze | IT BURNS | Burn at least 5 hostiles with the yellow stream. | 48% Common | 10 pts |
| Bronze | DOUBLE THE EXCITEMENT | Kill 5 hostiles with akimbo powerup active. | 48.6% Common | 10 pts |
| Bronze | PSPSPSPSPS | Pet a cat. | 55.3% Common | 9 pts |
| Bronze | DAMAGE CONTROL | Restore health with a certain item. | 64.8% Common | 8 pts |
| Bronze | GOD SAVE THE DUDE | Use portable armor. | 72.5% Common | 8 pts |