| Platinum | I AM THE DUDE NOW | Collect all of the other trophies. | 4.3% Ultra Rare | 167 pts |
| Gold | TINDER | Find all enemy codex entries. | 4.6% Ultra Rare | 80 pts |
| Gold | DREAM WITHIN A DREAM, WITHIN A DREAM | Find all location codex entries. | 4.8% Ultra Rare | 78 pts |
| Gold | SECOND AMENDMENT | Find all weapon codex entries. | 6% Very Rare | 68 pts |
| Gold | PREMATURE EVACUATOR | Finish any level below the speedrun threshold. | 6.5% Very Rare | 65 pts |
| Silver | IT'S WEDNESDAY MY DUDES | Find a certain secret on wednesday, my dude. | 6.6% Very Rare | 48 pts |
| Bronze | HE'S NOT A REAL BOY | Make Tesloborgelion's boy parts wet | 7.3% Very Rare | 30 pts |
| Silver | I WANT TO BELIVE | Find the third installment. | 7.6% Very Rare | 44 pts |
| Gold | NO CURE | Kill the big bad RONA without using the vaccine. | 9.1% Very Rare | 53 pts |
| Silver | IT'S NOT WEDNESDAY MY DUDES | Find a certain secret not on wednesday. | 9.5% Very Rare | 39 pts |
| Bronze | TAKE THE BLUE PILL | Kill 5 hostiles with quick pillz powerup active. | 12.9% Rare | 22 pts |
| Bronze | NO, U | Reflect 10 projectiles. | 13.3% Rare | 21 pts |
| Silver | WELCOME TO THE COLONY | Kill a certain group of hostiles in the forest. | 16.4% Rare | 28 pts |
| Gold | THIRD IMPACT | Kill Tesloborgelion. | 16.5% Rare | 37 pts |
| Gold | TRYHARD | Get 100% on any of the levels. | 19.2% Rare | 34 pts |
| Silver | THE CURE | Kill the big bad RONA. | 20.5% Uncommon | 24 pts |
| Bronze | IT'S BIGGER WHEN IT'S WARM | Freeze at least 5 hostiles with the yellow stream | 20.9% Uncommon | 16 pts |
| Bronze | I AM CONFUS | Confuse at least 5 hostiles with the yellow stream | 25.4% Uncommon | 14 pts |
| Bronze | GYM ENTHUSIAST | Kill 5 hostiles with steroids powerup active. | 32.2% Uncommon | 12 pts |
| Silver | I AM THE MANAGER | Kill Karen. | 33.4% Uncommon | 18 pts |
| Bronze | RELOADING! | Use an ammo box. | 33.7% Uncommon | 12 pts |
| Silver | MUSIC SOOTHES THE SAVAGE BEAST | Kill a certain group of hostiles in the neighbourhood. | 35.9% Uncommon | 18 pts |
| Bronze | DOUBLE THE EXCITEMENT | Kill 5 hostiles with akimbo powerup active. | 39.8% Uncommon | 11 pts |
| Bronze | IT BURNS | Burn at least 5 hostiles with the yellow stream | 40.4% Common | 11 pts |
| Bronze | PSPSPSPSPS | Pet a cat. | 48.3% Common | 10 pts |
| Bronze | DAMAGE CONTROL | Restore health with a certain item | 56.1% Common | 9 pts |
| Bronze | GOD SAVE THE DUDE | Use portable armor. | 65.7% Common | 8 pts |